I have slacked on my writing for a bit. I need to make sure that I stay on top of this and see the positives because there has been quite a bit of negative that had been weighing me down and interrupting my thoughts.  So much has happened the last three weeks and its crazy to see how much has changed. My whole outlook and view on life has been uplifting.  If you would have told me three weeks ago I would mentally be where I am right now I would have laughed and said you were an idiot.

Where oh where do I start? I lost my mind…sounds like a good place from where we last left off! Sir Ken ruined me, hurt me, destroyed me emotionally. I thought the world had stopped.  I had my mini breakdown, mini = ugly snotty cries with black raccoon eyes, and then pulled myself together.  Remembering the ah ha moment of every little thing piecing itself together and knowing where my place was (is). Sir Ken did so much to mold me and his patience was extraordinary. I give him so much credit because I know I am stubborn and being a service sub of sixteen years in a long distance slave training could not be easy on him I am certain. I know I had my moments of defiance and testing what I could get away with. Yes, he gave up on me because I simply took every ounce he had to give.

I picked myself up and started over.  Yes I still have down days, if  I said life was perfect I would be lying to myself and everyone else. But like any human we all have emotions and we take a moment and then get right back up.  There is no sense on dwelling on something that can not and will not change. I am learning to love myself more.  I have so much to offer and no one can change me. I tried to and learned it is impossible.  Whomever ends up with me will have a wonderful servant though.  Property that still honors and loves but stays firm in what they believe.  I refuse to be bullied or belittled in a manner that is destructive to my mental well-being.

Another thing that happened is an American Bulldog decided that I would be a good fit for her life. She made herself welcome in my home and knew I would love her dearly.  She stole my heart and I am now making her into a service animal. It will be a long process but will be worth it in the end.  I think I mentioned training takes a while for humans….well Sugar thinks she is human and is about as stubborn as I am!

I will keep this entry short as I have decided to start making my diary public.  I have nothing to hide and hope that others can see that they are not alone with the ups and downs in life.  So going forward I will do my best to be more open.  I have tons to get off my chest and a notepad full of emotions that need released and since I do not have the physical pain to release this is my only other option!  Who knows maybe if I have time I will write another tonight!

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