As I soak here in a nice warm bath this New Years Eve I have so many thoughts running through my head. Ranging from how this year started to how 2018 is coming to an end in a few hours.
I have never been one to make New Years resolutions because everything is made to be broken. I never want to give myself false hope. But that’s how the last few months have felt. I feel like I have been pouring my all into nothing. I have always done my best to please others and never stopped to see why I was doing this. I know I am a good person. I’m trustworthy, honest, and have a pure heart. I give in to so many things that make me uncomfortable because it makes someone else happy. Do those people even care about my true happiness? Do they even listen to what my heart says? Nope. Sadly enough people only care about themselves or how things will benefit them. It hurts.
Words can not even explain how I have felt the last few months. I have been in some pretty low and dark times and not a single person has even noticed or yet asked me how I truly was or felt. I suffer with depression, I am stubborn, I am not perfect and I know this. But I am human. I am a person and I have feelings. One thing my counselor and I have been working on is seeing things in a positive form. And working on that I am a someone and that I need to use “I” more instead of she, her, or it. I never realized how much my lifestyle sucked me back in. I automatically assumed a role I was accustomed to that I know made me happy which is pleasing others.
I may have never saw kids in my life and never wanted them. However, they are my world and the only reason I am still alive. Their attitudes and love are in as much confusion as my head constantly faces on a day to day. I just want to be there for them and make their world perfect which is impossible because the world literally shits on you and laughs.
Then there is Sir Ken. The man who has literally turned my world upside down. I love him with every ounce of my being. He doesn’t see or understand the good he has done for my life. He honestly brought me back up from some dark places and made me a better person. Yes he has hurt me, but that hurt is null to the happiness he truly brings me. The random text the past month he will never know how much they meant. I felt like he actually cared, that someone in general gave a fuck about me. It really is the little things that people do that can change another persons attitude toward each day. I have forgiven him for the past and I have admitted my fault in a lot. I know I can’t change the way he feels but I really do wish he would quit being so down on himself and realize he is amazing.
I’ve also lost what I thought were true friendships. I’ve wiped my hands clean of those toxic in my life. I just don’t understand how others have a hold of my entire fucking heart. I never want to give up, but it’s not a fight worth fighting when the others really could care less if you are in the obituaries next week. To be honest they wouldn’t even know I was gone.
Going forward with new beginnings for 2019, I have no idea where I’m headed or if I even belong. I have so many mixed emotions sitting here that part of me just really wished I don’t wake up and I won’t have to suffer with the feelings of rejection or failure. I have failed everyone…including myself. I have literally pushed the happy out of my life just so he can be happy. My oldest hates me and my youngest does what he can with his pure heart to try to make things right, even if it is with an attitude.
I’m not proud of me anymore, I’m absolutely miserable and can only blame myself. I let people use me. For financial gain, sexual appeal, and for taking fault. What’s the point of going forward? All I want to do is carve and release all my internal pain right now. I’m tired of crying and tired of feeling worthless. I want so much to be able to wake up from this “dream” and everything be blissful. I know it won’t though so as always I’m stuck in the misery while everyone else has sucked the life and happy out of me….