As I soak here in a nice warm bath this New Years Eve I have so many thoughts running through my head. Ranging from how this year started to how 2018 is coming to an end in a few hours.
I have never been one to make New Years resolutions because everything is made to be broken. I never want to give myself false hope. But that’s how the last few months have felt. I feel like I have been pouring my all into nothing. I have always done my best to please others and never stopped to see why I was doing this. I know I am a good person. I’m trustworthy, honest, and have a pure heart. I give in to so many things that make me uncomfortable because it makes someone else happy. Do those people even care about my true happiness? Do they even listen to what my heart says? Nope. Sadly enough people only care about themselves or how things will benefit them. It hurts.
Words can not even explain how I have felt the last few months. I have been in some pretty low and dark times and not a single person has even noticed or yet asked me how I truly was or felt. I suffer with depression, I am stubborn, I am not perfect and I know this. But I am human. I am a person and I have feelings. One thing my counselor and I have been working on is seeing things in a positive form. And working on that I am a someone and that I need to use “I” more instead of she, her, or it. I never realized how much my lifestyle sucked me back in. I automatically assumed a role I was accustomed to that I know made me happy which is pleasing others.
I may have never saw kids in my life and never wanted them. However, they are my world and the only reason I am still alive. Their attitudes and love are in as much confusion as my head constantly faces on a day to day. I just want to be there for them and make their world perfect which is impossible because the world literally shits on you and laughs.
Then there is Sir Ken. The man who has literally turned my world upside down. I love him with every ounce of my being. He doesn’t see or understand the good he has done for my life. He honestly brought me back up from some dark places and made me a better person. Yes he has hurt me, but that hurt is null to the happiness he truly brings me. The random text the past month he will never know how much they meant. I felt like he actually cared, that someone in general gave a fuck about me. It really is the little things that people do that can change another persons attitude toward each day. I have forgiven him for the past and I have admitted my fault in a lot. I know I can’t change the way he feels but I really do wish he would quit being so down on himself and realize he is amazing.
I’ve also lost what I thought were true friendships. I’ve wiped my hands clean of those toxic in my life. I just don’t understand how others have a hold of my entire fucking heart. I never want to give up, but it’s not a fight worth fighting when the others really could care less if you are in the obituaries next week. To be honest they wouldn’t even know I was gone.
Going forward with new beginnings for 2019, I have no idea where I’m headed or if I even belong. I have so many mixed emotions sitting here that part of me just really wished I don’t wake up and I won’t have to suffer with the feelings of rejection or failure. I have failed everyone…including myself. I have literally pushed the happy out of my life just so he can be happy. My oldest hates me and my youngest does what he can with his pure heart to try to make things right, even if it is with an attitude.
I’m not proud of me anymore, I’m absolutely miserable and can only blame myself. I let people use me. For financial gain, sexual appeal, and for taking fault. What’s the point of going forward? All I want to do is carve and release all my internal pain right now. I’m tired of crying and tired of feeling worthless. I want so much to be able to wake up from this “dream” and everything be blissful. I know it won’t though so as always I’m stuck in the misery while everyone else has sucked the life and happy out of me….
Today was another day full of errands and catching up.
After going to bed at 0500 I slept in until 1000 and then got the day started baking some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, yummmm my favorite! There is no better stress release than being in the kitchen and whipping up a tasty batch of sweets. After 3 dozen cookies it was time to start on chores though.
Sydney came over and wanted to earn extra cash so she started on laundry. Woohoo every adults dream, having someone else do laundry! Then she even helped with changing out lights in the dining room so I didn’t have to use the step ladder. I can say having a fifteen year old around does help a lot when they are working towards their own goal. Now laundry is almost done, lights are changed, and I was also able to get the kitchen cleaned up. Hopefully that will give me more time to work on my homework tonight.
Speaking of homework >_< I have slacked this Wintermester and have several chapters to catch up on. UGH! This means I have to take time away from the cam to focus on my studies. The other struggles of adulting and making sure priorities are handled. I have to stick with it though since I am so close to the finish line. It is to late to give up or postpone my degree otherwise I may decide to quit altogether. Which would be a waste of time and money in the long run.
On another note with this lovely paradise….I made it to the post office to mail off Ken’s Christmas present and parting gift. I hate that I have this feeling of emptiness with it. However, I am the one who said I would part ways after Christmas and end the communication. I wont lie, it is killing me inside and knowing this day was coming made it somewhat easier preparing myself. It also has left this hole in my heart that I know is not repairable because he meant so much to me. I don’t even know what to think or how to feel right now as I am numb. I have been trying to stay busy so I didn’t have to think about it. I just wish he knew how much he really did make me happy. With words that were said in the past I know that he will never feel the same again. Yes, I know he cares but I don’t think he will ever care enough to help with my needs and wants again. I have let the past go though and with my new outlook on things with life you can only live day to day and make things right with yourself. I will think twice in the future about giving my all to anyone else and trusting them 100% because I do not want to hurt like this again. I will keep a smile on my face and remember that everything happens for a reason.
On a positive when I went to Petsmart to get Sugar (the dog) her multivitamins I was able to score them 90% off! Nine months worth for $18 which was $188 savings! Now that was a win in my book. As I always say you have to find the positives in each day. You may have everything in the world weighing on your shoulders, but there is always something worth smiling for.
The boys will come home tomorrow too! Another positive! I have missed them so much the last couple weeks and cant wait for them to open their Christmas gifts. I just know they will love it all. I will take advantage of the time with Ashton too. The week with him will not be long enough and my heart hurts that he is no longer here. He is fourteen and thinks he knows everything. Hopefully with all of this he will realize that his decisions always will have an outcome and sometimes its not what is expected. Unfortunately by the time he realizes this it will be to late and he wont be able to change his mind. I will need the strength to get through this too. I don’t want him to think that I ever gave up on him, I am just honoring his wishes too.
I have been reallly horrible the last few weeks and need to get my butt in gear writing. I mean my life isn’t that interesting anyways but it is very eventful and entertaining I am sure. Putting myself out there and opening up and not keeping things on private is a huge step still for me and makes me a little nervous.
Going forward again I will try to write daily so that I can get my feels out. This not only allows me to monitor my own feelings but gives you a piece of my thoughts and life. The year is almost over and it’s time I start doing exactly what I said I would!
Keep your eyes peeled for more adventures of my crazy life. ☺
I have slacked on my writing for a bit. I need to make sure that I stay on top of this and see the positives because there has been quite a bit of negative that had been weighing me down and interrupting my thoughts. So much has happened the last three weeks and its crazy to see how much has changed. My whole outlook and view on life has been uplifting. If you would have told me three weeks ago I would mentally be where I am right now I would have laughed and said you were an idiot.
Where oh where do I start? I lost my mind…sounds like a good place from where we last left off! Sir Ken ruined me, hurt me, destroyed me emotionally. I thought the world had stopped. I had my mini breakdown, mini = ugly snotty cries with black raccoon eyes, and then pulled myself together. Remembering the ah ha moment of every little thing piecing itself together and knowing where my place was (is). Sir Ken did so much to mold me and his patience was extraordinary. I give him so much credit because I know I am stubborn and being a service sub of sixteen years in a long distance slave training could not be easy on him I am certain. I know I had my moments of defiance and testing what I could get away with. Yes, he gave up on me because I simply took every ounce he had to give.
I picked myself up and started over. Yes I still have down days, if I said life was perfect I would be lying to myself and everyone else. But like any human we all have emotions and we take a moment and then get right back up. There is no sense on dwelling on something that can not and will not change. I am learning to love myself more. I have so much to offer and no one can change me. I tried to and learned it is impossible. Whomever ends up with me will have a wonderful servant though. Property that still honors and loves but stays firm in what they believe. I refuse to be bullied or belittled in a manner that is destructive to my mental well-being.
Another thing that happened is an American Bulldog decided that I would be a good fit for her life. She made herself welcome in my home and knew I would love her dearly. She stole my heart and I am now making her into a service animal. It will be a long process but will be worth it in the end. I think I mentioned training takes a while for humans….well Sugar thinks she is human and is about as stubborn as I am!
I will keep this entry short as I have decided to start making my diary public. I have nothing to hide and hope that others can see that they are not alone with the ups and downs in life. So going forward I will do my best to be more open. I have tons to get off my chest and a notepad full of emotions that need released and since I do not have the physical pain to release this is my only other option! Who knows maybe if I have time I will write another tonight!