I have really hit the nail on the head with “being better about getting in the habit of positing” NOT! Its ok though A LOT has happened over the past few months that I can go back and post about. But in the meantime, I needed to get a small track of my daily life to see why I feel I never slow down…. this is me summed up with the ADHD brain in a nutshell. I seriously need to get a grip on an actual schedule. When my days typically start at 8:00am and end at 4:00am I had to see where 20 hours of my day was going. This is why I need structure. This is why I have burnout so often. This is why I need to take better care of me.

11:45am Let dog out to walk – trip over groceries at front door that I forgot were delivered at 11:00.

11:55am It’s too damn hot to walk come back in – stepping over groceries so I can get them after getting dog in.

12:00pm Feed and water dog and cats

12:05pm Remember I need to mail off Father’s Day freshies.

12:06pm Realized I needed to find a marker to write addresses

12:07pm Oh crap, I need to put on my eyelash serum because I’m losing eyelashes.

12:08pm Shoot I need to wash my face before serum and gets wash cloth.

12:09pm Oh crap I still need to bring food in- gets groceries and unloads – might as well grab an energy drink out of fridge it’s going to be a day.

12:14pm Walking back to wash face – halfway down hall remembers I need a marker off desk.

12:15pm Finally back to my room and set the drink and marker on nightstand.

12:16pm Wash face – need to let it dry before putting toner so I can quickly put addresses on packages.

12:17pm Can’t find marker to write – checks phone and gets distracted by snap chat messages.

12:19pm Crap; need to do toner so it can dry before vitamin c application.

12:20pm Back to write addresses – got return address posted.

12:21pm Get a text for a delivery meet today. Fuckkk ok ok I got this.

12:22pm Damn it I need to write this all down before I forget it for the Day in the Life of ADHD blog I need to write.

12:25pm Ugh, my drink it still sitting here with condensation now. – “am I really this off the wall squirrel”?

12:26pm Confirm time for delivery and remember I need to put on my AOX cream – wait did I put on my vitamin c yet? Oh, I can scroll up and look in my notes… yeah nope 🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m behind – let’s go do that…

12:28pm Ok let’s let that dry and finish writing these addresses on packages to mail.

12:30pm Ok get it together Steph you still need AOX cream – jumps up.

12:31pm Shit where did I put those freshies to mail while I was doing the packages. 🤦🏻‍♀️

12:32pm Guess I’ll have to make new ones, damn it if I make new ones I can’t mail today on time which means they won’t get it in time. Come on brain help me think.

12:35pm Girl you forgot your eye cream and still need to put on your lash serum – runs back to bathroom.

12:38pm Knocked over bathroom trash. Guess I should go ahead and gather trash to take out today.

12:40pm Ugh where are those stupid freshies? Guess I’ll remake them.

12:44pm Trash is put by front door. What was I supposed to be doing now? Let me check my phone and see if I wrote it down. Shit where is my phone?!

12:45pm Alexa call my phone :DING: “I’m having trouble connecting to the internet” 🤬 Are you fucking kidding me?!

12:50pm Finds phone on bed. 🤦🏻‍♀️

12:51pm Damn it I didn’t write it down – come on brain think… bathroom…trash… oh yeahhh Freshies.

12:52pm Well I’m almost out of Bowties and Bourbon scent now I guess they get a good summer/year-round scent.

12:53pm Proceeds to find additional freshies to make with the bundle.

12:57-1:07pm Gathers all materials and get it in oven.

1:08pm Where did I put my energy drink now? Retraces steps – bam it’s on the table – picks it up… did I really already drink it all? 🙄

1:09pm Good grief did I set a timer for the oven? Alexa what’s left on my timer :DING: “I’m having trouble connecting to the internet” ughhhh what’s wrong with you Alexa – hey Siri set a 15 minute timer.

1:13pm Unplugs living room Alexa to try to restart it.

1:14pm Cat knocks over laundry basket so walk to room to pick it up. Decided to go ahead and start a load.

1:17pm Gets to laundry room to start washer and realize towels are still in dryer from 2 days ago 🤦🏻‍♀️ let’s fold those. Oh, I can plug Alexa back in while I do it and try to do two things at once.

1:19pm Fumbling with Alexa App confused because technology sucks – “connecting to wifi please be patient”.

1:21pm Sit on couch to fold towels.

1:24pm Siri announces 15 min timer. Runs to kitchen to pull stuff out.

1:27pm Alexa tells me hi… uhhh ok hi

1:28pm Goes to put towels up

1:28pm Realizes I didn’t start washer.

1:29pm Rushes to put labels on packages for new freshies while they cool.

1:33pm I burn myself moving silicone to board to let it cool – runs cold water over fingers.

1:35pm Decides to do dishes that are in sink; runs water.

1:37pm Damn it I need to pee now.

1:40pm still updating times from sitting on toilet. Guess I need to wash my hands and go check on the freshies

1:43pm Takes freshies out of molds and realizes phone about to die so puts it on charger.

1:45pm Puts eye screws in.

1:46pm Remembers trash at front door – dang it I needed to put cat litter in there before I closed it. Let me clean out fridge and do liter one a small bag so I can get it all out.

1:50pm Fitbit alerts that professor messages – I’ll check that when I’m done – first things first.

1:50-2:15pm Loaded up packages to mail. Grabbed package to meet – realized I had 2 cups on nightstand I didn’t wash- puts them in sink and runs trash down to put on hood of car bc it’s to hot to walk it. Run back up to get packages. It’s so damn hot I’m already sweating. Sit in car to turn it on and forgot business card so run up to get it. Get back to car … did I turn oven off? Run back up, yup it’s off. Dying of heat….

2:16pm Lady text she can meet at post office right now oh lord I am now in rush mode bc it’s 45 min early.

2:20pm Still sitting in car updating so I don’t forget.

2:20-2:40pm Get to post office and meet Cheyenne… damn she’s a cutie 😝 maybe I should have put some eye make up on 😅see her work truck and instantly was not interested 😬🤦🏻‍♀️ my old rental company that tried to pull a bullshit lawsuit and I won because they were wrong. Sit in car to leave, realize I’m a dumbass and need to still mail the packages.

2:45pm Updated schedule and realized I haven’t eaten. Shoot, I need to send tracking to the guys.

2:47pm Check all social media and try to respond to everyone still in car at post office 🤦🏻‍♀️ remember I forgot to check what professor sent.

2:52pm See Starbucks and decide I need some pep in my life.

3:00-3:20pm Get home and sit in car responding to emails and messages – finished Starbucks – well damn guess I need to get out and go inside.

3:21pm Remove clothes it’s too damn hot.

3:23pm Locate laptop to see what professor had to say.

3:25pm No message found 🤦🏻‍♀️ guess it was an old notification. Maybe I should do a discussion board while I have the laptop out. Or maybe I should start another order that needs to be picked up tomorrow…

3:29pm Decide to start an order and while it bakes do a discussion – look at me all smart.

3:35pm Tomorrow’s freshie order is baking – need to make more packages with labels – crap.

3:40pm Decided to make some additional red/white/blue freshies for this weekend – start putting them together while others are baking.

3:50pm Timer going off to take those out and put these new ones in. Let them cool. I really need to look at that discussion board. First let me put this mica powder and extra beads up before I spill it.

3:55pm Shoot I used all the Black Ice beads I need to start curing some more.

4:00pm Measured all beads and oils and started curing 3 scents for now.

4:10pm For fucks sake; look at counter and I forgot to put the second batch in to cook.

4:12pm Beads cooking. Wiping down counter and stove.

4:16pm Check timer and remember I have discussion board. Ok cool I have 13 min to see what’s up.

4:22pm Alexa what’s on my timer? “8 minutes”, shit I forgot the samples are in there and they need to come out.

4:25pm ok back to studies. I don’t have time for discussion let’s start a quick case study. 😅

4:30pm Timer dings. 🤦🏻‍♀️

4:31pm Get finished freshies out and put Jeep freshie back in another 5 minutes.

4:32pm Decide to string previous set sine they are cool.

4:34pm You got 1 min go take a photo of bundle to post on page for preorders.

4:36pm Timer goes off and I yelled Alexa shut the fuck up. Thinking I may need a nap. Run back to kitchen.

4:38pm Pull it out of oven and get spot ready to start letting them cool while I decide whether or not to put bows on these others.

4:40pm Check snap messages as I post a pic of bundle there.

4:43pm Some dude sent a dick pic again. I’m sick of this disrespectful shit from people I don’t know.

4:45pm Really wish Amazon would hurry up with my glitter

4:46pm Turn oven off before you forget

4:50pm Take a moment to breathe – maybe I need to soak. Crap I forgot my case study is still on a timer and running. Headed back to finish that

4:53 Knock at door – notification it’s Amazon 🤦🏻‍♀️ go to retrieve package. Remember I’m not wearing clothes. Peek out peephole and hurry to open the door and grab package while no one can see.

4:55pm Open package. Yay glitter. Oh hell, I ordered more sample size molds 🤦🏻‍♀️😅 I can’t keep up with my life. Ok, put molds with mini Cardstock and go back to studies.

4:56pm Gets distracted by tiny circle molds so has to pull it out to see what Cardstock will look like inside. Set it down to head to room.

4:56pm Dumb ass go put that back in the back before the cat knocks it over and you have Cardstock circles everywhere.

4:58pm Ok… case study – focus.

5:02pm Can’t focus this dude keeps sending me pics after I said stop. Guess I’ll blast him with the SS I took earlier of it to have someone else handle it…

5:03pm Ok back to studies.

5:13pm Woohoo made a 100 on the case study!

5:13pm Done tracking myself for today I’m exhausting.

Today I am making it my personal goal to get back in a routine. Not being in a normal work environment 2020-2021 had some things slip through the cracks with getting off track. I feel that a routine fits my work and lifestyle more effectively.

As far as work, my goals are to work on my webpage, Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok daily for marketing. I plan to do two events a month and want to roll out my bath and body line Fall 2022. I know that entrepreneurship is rocky the first 2-3 years but ultimately want to be out of the ‘red’ business wise this year. A few things to look forward to.

With school, I still plan to graduate this year with my second degree. I need to focus staying on track and to stop procrastinating. This is another reason I need to get back on a schedule! I may not personally need the degree for anything in particular, except to prove to myself I can achieve it.

Kids have full schedules and prioritizing their events is a must for the calendar. No excuses.

Personal life I hate to say that I need to schedule time for friends and family. However, with a full schedule I need to learn to say no to people pleasing. It is a must I put myself and my life before others unless it is just an absolute emergency.

Small changes like these will help stay on track, goals can be accomplished, and dreams can come true.

Some days are easier than others. So many excuses can be given as to why actions have been the way they were. However, she doesn’t want to give excuses she wants to show her weaknesses and growth. She has a past that built her the way she has known most of her life. That is exactly what it is though, a past. Something she doesn’t want to hold her back any longer. She strives to grow and become a better woman.

There have been very few positive influences that have crossed her path throughout her life. Her grandma being the first. Helping shape her and guide her from an abusive and lonely childhood. The love and support helped get her through the toughest teen years when she felt suicide was once the only way to escape. She bounced from home to home and never had the stability that most others did. Again, another excuse she has used on why she always felt unwanted. Another positive influence was Sir Ken, he was one who had an outstanding amount of patience and told it like it was.  He wouldn’t sugar coat anything like everyone else all her life has.  He was there through some of her hard times and she did not realize how much he really helped her.  She never saw it all because its not “what she wanted”.  She fought and tried to get everything her way but he was one who always stood firm on his word.  This helped her more than all since it allowed her to grasp that maybe she had actually be the selfish one for many many years; Years it has taken her to realize she has needed to love herself and to understand that she is of importance.

Learning to love yourself is harder than imagined. She thought she was happy and full of love. The past several weeks have been full of self counseling, meditation, and letting go of the negatives.  She never knew how many excuses she gave herself on why she felt the ways she did. She was masking the hurt by being a social butterfly and trying to please others.  Finding the positives on how to truly love herself has been an eye opener.

Everyday is a new day, a new start to work on ones self. If she had to do everything over again, she would do it exactly the same. Without the trials and heartbreaks she wouldn’t be where she is and at the point of working on becoming a better person. She is not perfect, she never will be.  She apologizes to those she has wronged, those she has hurt, and those she had to push out of her life to work on herself. Her apologies to Sir Ken the most. She should have been there for you as you were her.  She relied heavily on your opinions and guidance. The few times you asked her on her opinions she was quick to shut you out or laugh at why you would be asking her voice even about a vehicle. She now acknowledges you were including her in your life.  She is sorry she was so self absorbed laying a majority of her personal life and problems on you, and didn’t allow for the opportunity for you to express yourself on your own. She was crazy selfish, she should have been there more for you and your needs.

She can only continue to work on herself and grow everyday. She can and she will become a better individual.

 

 

As I soak here in a nice warm bath this New Years Eve I have so many thoughts running through my head. Ranging from how this year started to how 2018 is coming to an end in a few hours.

I have never been one to make New Years resolutions because everything is made to be broken. I never want to give myself false hope. But that’s how the last few months have felt. I feel like I have been pouring my all into nothing. I have always done my best to please others and never stopped to see why I was doing this. I know I am a good person. I’m trustworthy, honest, and have a pure heart. I give in to so many things that make me uncomfortable because it makes someone else happy. Do those people even care about my true happiness? Do they even listen to what my heart says? Nope. Sadly enough people only care about themselves or how things will benefit them. It hurts.

Words can not even explain how I have felt the last few months. I have been in some pretty low and dark times and not a single person has even noticed or yet asked me how I truly was or felt. I suffer with depression, I am stubborn, I am not perfect and I know this. But I am human. I am a person and I have feelings. One thing my counselor and I have been working on is seeing things in a positive form. And working on that I am a someone and that I need to use “I” more instead of she, her, or it. I never realized how much my lifestyle sucked me back in. I automatically assumed a role I was accustomed to that I know made me happy which is pleasing others.

I may have never saw kids in my life and never wanted them. However, they are my world and the only reason I am still alive. Their attitudes and love are in as much confusion as my head constantly faces on a day to day. I just want to be there for them and make their world perfect which is impossible because the world literally shits on you and laughs.

Then there is Sir Ken. The man who has literally turned my world upside down. I love him with every ounce of my being. He doesn’t see or understand the good he has done for my life. He honestly brought me back up from some dark places and made me a better person. Yes he has hurt me, but that hurt is null to the happiness he truly brings me. The random text the past month he will never know how much they meant. I felt like he actually cared, that someone in general gave a fuck about me. It really is the little things that people do that can change another persons attitude toward each day. I have forgiven him for the past and I have admitted my fault in a lot. I know I can’t change the way he feels but I really do wish he would quit being so down on himself and realize he is amazing.

I’ve also lost what I thought were true friendships. I’ve wiped my hands clean of those toxic in my life. I just don’t understand how others have a hold of my entire fucking heart. I never want to give up, but it’s not a fight worth fighting when the others really could care less if you are in the obituaries next week. To be honest they wouldn’t even know I was gone.

Going forward with new beginnings for 2019, I have no idea where I’m headed or if I even belong. I have so many mixed emotions sitting here that part of me just really wished I don’t wake up and I won’t have to suffer with the feelings of rejection or failure. I have failed everyone…including myself. I have literally pushed the happy out of my life just so he can be happy. My oldest hates me and my youngest does what he can with his pure heart to try to make things right, even if it is with an attitude.

I’m not proud of me anymore, I’m absolutely miserable and can only blame myself. I let people use me. For financial gain, sexual appeal, and for taking fault. What’s the point of going forward? All I want to do is carve and release all my internal pain right now. I’m tired of crying and tired of feeling worthless. I want so much to be able to wake up from this “dream” and everything be blissful. I know it won’t though so as always I’m stuck in the misery while everyone else has sucked the life and happy out of me….

Today was another day full of errands and catching up.

After going to bed at 0500 I slept in until 1000 and then got the day started baking some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, yummmm my favorite!  There is no better stress release than being in the kitchen and whipping up a tasty batch of sweets. After 3 dozen cookies it was time to start on chores though.

Sydney came over and wanted to earn extra cash so she started on laundry. Woohoo every adults dream, having someone else do laundry! Then she even helped with changing out lights in the dining room so I didn’t have to use the step ladder. I can say having a fifteen year old around does help a lot when they are working towards their own goal.  Now laundry is almost done, lights are changed, and I was also able to get the kitchen cleaned up.  Hopefully that will give me more time to work on my homework tonight.

Speaking of homework >_< I have slacked this Wintermester and have several chapters to catch up on. UGH! This means I have to take time away from the cam to focus on my studies.  The other struggles of adulting and making sure priorities are handled. I have to stick with it though since I am so close to the finish line.  It is to late to give up or postpone my degree otherwise I may decide to quit altogether.  Which would be a waste of time and money in the long run.

On another note with this lovely paradise….I made it to the post office to mail off Ken’s Christmas present and parting gift. I hate that I have this feeling of emptiness with it.  However, I am the one who said I would part ways after Christmas and end the communication.  I wont lie, it is killing me inside and knowing this day was coming made it somewhat easier preparing myself.  It also has left this hole in my heart that I know is not repairable because he meant so much to me. I don’t even know what to think or how to feel right now as I am numb.  I have been trying to stay busy so I didn’t have to think about it. I just wish he knew how much he really did make me happy. With words that were said in the past I know that he will never feel the same again. Yes, I know he cares but I don’t think he will ever care enough to help with my needs and wants again. I have let the past go though and with my new outlook on things with life you can only live day to day and make things right with yourself.  I will think twice in the future about giving my all to anyone else and trusting them 100% because I do not want to hurt like this again.  I will keep a smile on my face and remember that everything happens for a reason.

On a positive when I went to Petsmart to get Sugar (the dog) her multivitamins I was able to score them 90% off! Nine months worth for $18 which was $188 savings! Now that was a win in my book.  As I always say you have to find the positives in each day.  You may have everything in the world weighing on your shoulders, but there is always something worth smiling for.

The boys will come home tomorrow too! Another positive! I have missed them so much the last couple weeks and cant wait for them to open their Christmas gifts.  I just know they will love it all.  I will take advantage of the time with Ashton too.  The week with him will not be long enough and my heart hurts that he is no longer here.  He is fourteen and thinks he knows everything.  Hopefully with all of this he will realize that his decisions always will have an outcome and sometimes its not what is expected.  Unfortunately by the time he realizes this it will be to late and he wont be able to change his mind.  I will need the strength to get through this too. I don’t want him to think that I ever gave up on him, I am just honoring his wishes too.

 

 

 

I have been reallly horrible the last few weeks and need to get my butt in gear writing.  I mean my life isn’t that interesting anyways but it is very eventful and entertaining I am sure.  Putting myself out there and opening up and not keeping things on private is a huge step still for me and makes me a little nervous.

Going forward again I will try to write daily so that I can get my feels out.  This not only allows me to monitor my own feelings but gives you a piece of my thoughts and life.  The year is almost over and it’s time I start doing exactly what I said I would!

Keep your eyes peeled for more adventures of my crazy life. ☺

I have slacked on my writing for a bit. I need to make sure that I stay on top of this and see the positives because there has been quite a bit of negative that had been weighing me down and interrupting my thoughts.  So much has happened the last three weeks and its crazy to see how much has changed. My whole outlook and view on life has been uplifting.  If you would have told me three weeks ago I would mentally be where I am right now I would have laughed and said you were an idiot.

Where oh where do I start? I lost my mind…sounds like a good place from where we last left off! Sir Ken ruined me, hurt me, destroyed me emotionally. I thought the world had stopped.  I had my mini breakdown, mini = ugly snotty cries with black raccoon eyes, and then pulled myself together.  Remembering the ah ha moment of every little thing piecing itself together and knowing where my place was (is). Sir Ken did so much to mold me and his patience was extraordinary. I give him so much credit because I know I am stubborn and being a service sub of sixteen years in a long distance slave training could not be easy on him I am certain. I know I had my moments of defiance and testing what I could get away with. Yes, he gave up on me because I simply took every ounce he had to give.

I picked myself up and started over.  Yes I still have down days, if  I said life was perfect I would be lying to myself and everyone else. But like any human we all have emotions and we take a moment and then get right back up.  There is no sense on dwelling on something that can not and will not change. I am learning to love myself more.  I have so much to offer and no one can change me. I tried to and learned it is impossible.  Whomever ends up with me will have a wonderful servant though.  Property that still honors and loves but stays firm in what they believe.  I refuse to be bullied or belittled in a manner that is destructive to my mental well-being.

Another thing that happened is an American Bulldog decided that I would be a good fit for her life. She made herself welcome in my home and knew I would love her dearly.  She stole my heart and I am now making her into a service animal. It will be a long process but will be worth it in the end.  I think I mentioned training takes a while for humans….well Sugar thinks she is human and is about as stubborn as I am!

I will keep this entry short as I have decided to start making my diary public.  I have nothing to hide and hope that others can see that they are not alone with the ups and downs in life.  So going forward I will do my best to be more open.  I have tons to get off my chest and a notepad full of emotions that need released and since I do not have the physical pain to release this is my only other option!  Who knows maybe if I have time I will write another tonight!