Some days are easier than others. So many excuses can be given as to why actions have been the way they were. However, she doesn’t want to give excuses she wants to show her weaknesses and growth. She has a past that built her the way she has known most of her life. That is exactly what it is though, a past. Something she doesn’t want to hold her back any longer. She strives to grow and become a better woman.
There have been very few positive influences that have crossed her path throughout her life. Her grandma being the first. Helping shape her and guide her from an abusive and lonely childhood. The love and support helped get her through the toughest teen years when she felt suicide was once the only way to escape. She bounced from home to home and never had the stability that most others did. Again, another excuse she has used on why she always felt unwanted. Another positive influence was Sir Ken, he was one who had an outstanding amount of patience and told it like it was. He wouldn’t sugar coat anything like everyone else all her life has. He was there through some of her hard times and she did not realize how much he really helped her. She never saw it all because its not “what she wanted”. She fought and tried to get everything her way but he was one who always stood firm on his word. This helped her more than all since it allowed her to grasp that maybe she had actually be the selfish one for many many years; Years it has taken her to realize she has needed to love herself and to understand that she is of importance.
Learning to love yourself is harder than imagined. She thought she was happy and full of love. The past several weeks have been full of self counseling, meditation, and letting go of the negatives. She never knew how many excuses she gave herself on why she felt the ways she did. She was masking the hurt by being a social butterfly and trying to please others. Finding the positives on how to truly love herself has been an eye opener.
Everyday is a new day, a new start to work on ones self. If she had to do everything over again, she would do it exactly the same. Without the trials and heartbreaks she wouldn’t be where she is and at the point of working on becoming a better person. She is not perfect, she never will be. She apologizes to those she has wronged, those she has hurt, and those she had to push out of her life to work on herself. Her apologies to Sir Ken the most. She should have been there for you as you were her. She relied heavily on your opinions and guidance. The few times you asked her on her opinions she was quick to shut you out or laugh at why you would be asking her voice even about a vehicle. She now acknowledges you were including her in your life. She is sorry she was so self absorbed laying a majority of her personal life and problems on you, and didn’t allow for the opportunity for you to express yourself on your own. She was crazy selfish, she should have been there more for you and your needs.
She can only continue to work on herself and grow everyday. She can and she will become a better individual.